Falling Short and Finding God at the Dollar General

 Last week a woman walked into our church in the middle of our small group. As usual, she asked to speak to the pastor. Our church is located at a major intersection of a national highway so we get a lot of people who walk in looking for help. This particular woman had a small child. Dale asked her to wait while we finished the small group. After group, Dale informed me that myself and someone else would be accompanying her to the Dollar General to help her purchase a predetermined amount of food and necessities.
   Okay, let me just go ahead upfront and confess something to you. I was not excited by this opportunity for service. I probably made a face and might have said something very unholy like, "Do I have to?". I'll explain why my spirit didn't leap with abounding joy at the chance to serve Jesus by serving another. I have never had a good experience with this sort of thing (not that your enjoyment should determine when you will serve Jesus). It is uncomfortable, awkward, humbling for all of us and well it makes my stomach curl up into a very tight knot. This time was no different.
  We start walking around the store. The woman is asking me if she can get this or that. We try to help her find things. She keeps mentioning how much I am approved to spend. She continues to ask if she can get this or that.I add it up...it's like I am the only person that can add numbers together. I feel like the wizard of Oz and she is Dorothy only with a 19 month old little boy instead of a small fury dog. And instead of a ride home, she is asking for the meager contents of the Dollar General and I am denying her with menace and fire all the while cowering behind my very expensive Nike shoes ( I do a lot of exercise. It is a ministry. I take care of my feet- but my need to justify that to you is another issue for another blog :))
  I have thought before that perhaps it is a humiliating experience for these poor people as well. I have tried to imagine having to humble yourself to come and ask others for food and diapers. I have tried to feel what it must be like to be reliant on the kindness of a stranger to feed your child. As a mother, I can really feel moved by their plight. But let me move you back to what is happening at the Dollar General ( and what has happened to me before).
   We continue to move about the store, her asking, me continuing to add  and report the remaining amount. I honestly try to not look at what we are purchasing because I know it will invariably lead me to judging this person. And tonight it is very hard as we've selected all sorts of things and we are at a whopping $5.00 left for food. I wander behind feeling pretty low about myself because I can't get behind this "labor of love". I know I am being used. I knew when we got into the car that this person had told Dale and myself whatever sad story they thought would guilt us out of some help. It happens every time. It is happening now and it is rubbing me. And the rub hurts somewhere on the inside. I am ashamed that I feel disgusted by the whole thing- the lies, the manipulation and most of all by the fact that I see myself here. I see me and Jesus. I know this could be a depiction of me on so many occasions. He could write this blog about me100 times over. And this isn't a new thought but sometimes old thoughts can come back around and burrow their way into a very soft and vulnerable place in your heart. And tonight this thought finds a place in me. And I realize why I am so bothered. I can clearly see in this moment how far apart Jesus and I are. I never had illusions that people would confuse me with Christ. But sometimes you get this glimpse of the vast chasm that lies between who you are and who He is. I know I am bad and rotten and selfish to the core but some days the Holy Spirit helps you to see how deep the pit goes. It is bottomless in case you were wondering.
  I am standing in the store realizing that I can and do use Jesus all the time and He never gets upset at being used. He never feels violated by my attempted manipulations. And He never takes offense at my hollow promises. He doesn't feel this pressing need to tell me that I am not fooling Him. He doesn't have a driving desire to be right. But I do. I have all these things and I realize it is not the woman but my own sin making me sick.
  I'll finish the story. There is a snickering friend of the woman who sobers up when I see her laughing. I assume it's at me, playing the part of the fool. There is a nicer car than Dale's and people waiting. There are pleas for prayer and promises of a return...("I'm coming to church."). But I know better. They say it every time. And besides those words are pretty familiar to my lips as well...maybe not the church bit but well "I am..." or "I will...". Just fill in the blank.
 At this point I am pretty much just slinking around. In terms of Amber, that was a pretty stinky day: A failed attempt at kindness and mercy, a gentle rebuke by the Holy Spirit and gnawing truth all over me. However, spiritually I gained so much: A deeper appreciation for my Savior, an ever growing awareness of my sin and an invitation to draw closer to Him.

Who's following me?

   We are a ministry family. I am a pastor's wife. We planted a church 5 years ago. And so it is established now and God is growing it. We have two services and some large commitments. Often it feels lonely and overwhelming and unsure. I wish I could say that I am always confident in our direction and God's leading. I wish that I could give an awesome testimony of unwavering faith and immediate obedience. I wish that I could say that I am content in God alone and need no one but Him. But I cannot do any of those things. I am often fearful and unsure, questioning and unfaithful, doubting searching and looking for some one to go with me, to give me answers and reassurance. I know that I have been given the Holy Spirit and all of His power of assurance, guidance and direction. And we meet up at times. There are days when He feels like my closest friend and only confidant. I desire Him above all others. But those days are few and far between. I wish they were more continuous and regular.
  And so I struggle. I sin and look around me. I find myself looking around at others and judging. I get angry at their refusal to commit to my journey. I want them to come along and to agree with me. I get upset if I am going alone. And as holy as I want to see myself, as committed and dedicated , sacrificial, I am not. I am sad, insecure and afraid. In reality, I am angry at their refusal to validate me, to say I am right, to meet my needs. That is not their job and it is a sin to even look for those things from them. Instead I should be looking ahead and being obedient even if it means I go alone with only the validation and assurance of my Lord.
   How can ever show others the grace of God and that he is worth the sacrifice when I am looking behind and questioning? Oh ye of little faith....Oh my little faith. If He's enough, if He is faithful, then my life will be about following Him and not about who's following me.

In arrogance we trust...

  I am often appalled at myself and others. I find our arrogance to be astounding and repulsive. I say our because lest I mortify the sin ( that more in a later blog) I too find that I abound with the repugnant smell of pride and arrogance.  We tout our opinions left and right as if they were pearls of wisdom from on high. We let our tongues run amiss with our self centered thoughts and ideas without any sort of restraint or forethought or without regard to the consequences to others. We preciously guard our right to our opinion and wrap it about us like a warm and comforting blanket, promising the security and validity of our thoughts. However, we expect others to give up what we value so much when standing in the presence of our opinions.
  Sadly, I can lose count of the times when I have valued my opinion over another person. Being free to say what was on my tongue became more important and prized than anyone who might be within earshot.  Oh the grief I have felt over this. To cringe and and mourn over the way I aggressively and forcefully and mercilessly expressed my opinions over things important and things inconsequential.  Shame and regret, sometimes they still haunt me...especially now that I know better, now that I know the true purpose for my life and that it is not about me. In 1 Corinthians, Paul speaks over and over again about his restraint in using any kind of talk or rhetoric...anything that would draw the glory away from God. He keep reiterating the point that it is all about the Gospel. And no where do our opinions find a home when we seek to pursue our true purpose in this life.
   We have liberty and grace in Christ, but our liberty and grace is not to come at the expense of others. And our opinions are exactly that...our opinions. Most are about things to which there can be no right or wrong...simply shades of variety which make us all unique and interesting. Yet for such foolishness, we risk the soul of another who may not know the love and acceptance we feel from Christ. We would rather feel vindicated by the approval of others than to know the true intimacy that comes with submission to God and the yielding of our rights and opinions to Him. As ever, I will daily struggle in this fight as well. But that is the difference...the fight against and not the surrender to sin.

The dangerous bliss of ignorance

Sometimes there are things that bother me on the inside. They are nagging and consuming. I get really good at trying to function over them. But it's like the bur in your shoe that's keeps irritating that soft part of your foot that's not yet calloused. And it's like the beach ball that you push under the water...constantly struggling to come to the surface. eventually your arms get tired and out it comes, making a huge splash when it's out. And so here I am all wet from the struggle to stay ignorant.
   Sometimes I hurt deep down and I get tired. I get to the point where I am angry and frustrated and mean and mostly just sad. I just get really sad and scared. And I feel like it's all just in pieces around me. And it's so overwhelming to pick them up and actually deal with them. So I walk away and ignore them again. The bur forever irritating the raw place, the soft hurting place in my soul. I avoid Him. I walk away from God. I dance around Him and just go about my life getting only as close as I have to...because it is just too hard to deal with the mess I have on my hands.
   But all along I am hurting myself in many ways. I do things to sabotage and destroy my own self.  My body starts to hurt itself. I start to self destruct, to implode upon myself...except I manage to spray those around me with debris.  And I thought I was hiding it so well....I thought it would just stay there if I left it alone.
   But I picked it up when He laid it there for me find. And I asked for it. I asked Him to show me who I am, what I do, why I feel this way...constantly fearful, constantly hurting. He was faithful...and I couldn't deal. I fell backwards and embraced my sin like an old friend with all the familiar ways. As if there was comfort there.
   Forgive me father for walking away from you when the way was too hard. Forgive me for the lack of courage  and the lack of faith in you to provide the strength I needed to walk forward. My life isn't real in my hands. It is a sham. My life is a meaningless exercise in survival, a desperate attempt to find my place, and to find validation among those who cannot and will not give it. I run from person to person trying to make a perfect life for all...making a perfect Amber that can please everyone and offend no one. I so desperately want to be good enough, to be okay...to go one day without having to please everyone.everyone but you that is.I feel so foolish because I know all these things are found in You. And yet here i am heart in hand trying to start over again. Please help me...

Please God don' let that be me...

  So yesterday, I had a very nice and amazing experience with God. I felt like I truly understood something He had been trying to get me to see about myself and how to deal with others. It was quite wonderous and sad at the same time. I began to really see others more as God sees them and not as how they try to portray themselves to be. It was freeing and also a heavy feeling. I wanted to help, to give them what I have. I began to see their pressures and fears. I began to feel the panic and desperation of their insecurities and how to live, survive, be. I asked God to help me to be, not someone who is stuck in their own fears and insecurities.  I want to be the person who can leave my wants and comforts and desires behind so that I can serve others without me and my need to be loved and validated and approved and liked getting in the way. I don't want to be that person. I hate being that. And I cannot do anything about that.  I am so naturally bound by these insecurities and desperations. I wake up and struggle to fight off the hurts and cries and pleas and lies that come from the depraved core of me.  And some days it is all I can do to just cling to the knowledge that God can change me, that He can work through me and accomplish something of true love and service. I find myself lately just praying that I will be confident in Him. I find myself hungering for humility and selflessness.  I find that i despise my sinful self more and more and hate the hold that it still seems to have on me at times. All I know is that my only hope, my only refuge is to cling to Him, submit, depend, surrender, rely....worship...serve.

Creation & creator...

So a few weeks ago I heard this, "The creation is supposed to make us think about the creator...but instead we worship the creation." Now I could go many different directions here, but i don't want to lose us in the main idea.  When we see anything in creation...even food...we should be responding to the creator. We have so distorted this and began to worship the creation or the parts of it.
   So as I've been faced this week by some of the most spectacular views and aspects of the creation...I've been really focusing on the worship, the awesomeness of the creator. I love looking at the colors, the textures, the variety and the complexity of  all things in creation and how it all fits and works together. and yes this does make me think of God and how this could not possibly be some kind of cosmic accident but a beautiful and artfully crafted design...a planned celebration of the glory and power of God.
   So stop and look at the creation. Expect to be turned back to the creator. He will draw close to Him.

Oh Peter...

I read John 18...

I started thinking about Peter and his thoughts.

   You were so brave, so full of passion. You faced down soldiers- prepared to die for him. A man from nowhere who called you from your nets just months ago.

    And now you are so full of fear and doubt. Standing in the night. He is inside. All of society is screaming accusations and raining down their jealousies on him. They are scared too- scaredbecause he is not them. Yet they are losing control. And they are terrified and livid- a man saying things, doing things. They beleive He cannot possibly be the messiah because He is not here to conquer and kill. He is not here to destroy their enemies and place their people over all others. These people who live shrouded in judgement and rules. They are afraid because He is something they are not. And they are too blind to see Him.

   And yet Peter, you stand here afraid in the night- in the flickering light of the fire. Shadows are crossing their faces like like devils stalking you in the night. They are sneering and pointing. They are aking you to claim Him. They are calling you one of his followers. And now you who ate with Him, walked with Him- saw His glory revealed on the mountain, witnessed his healing of so many...now you stand in fear with a torment raging between your heart and the very thought of being pulled into the midst of the mob with Him. Remember Peter how He told you that He would build his church upon you. So many things he said and you did not understand. But you knew that you loved Him, loved him like no other. You loved him enough to walk away from everything- your life, all that you know. And now in the darkest hour, the darkest night you are going to be so afraid of them that you will deny this man. I wonder if his eyes, his face flashes before you when you hear your mouth declare your denial.

    And then not once but three times you say out loud that you do not know this Jesus- this man who has changed your life. Then the rooster crows. His words come back to you. Your adamant rejection, "No Lord! I will never deny you!", rings in your ears. It pounds with every beat of your heart. Peter, the anguish you must feel in your soul. The tears and the sick feeling- the realization of how horrible, how utterly undeserving of him you are.

   I know the feeling well. So many times my fear, my insatiable desire for approval and popularity has been so much more important than my Lord. I have worshiped so many false gods and utterly denied my Jesus, your Jesus. I know full well Peter- the ache, the hurt and the shame. I too have denied my Lord. I too have been in the dark night and heard my own denials. I have felt my own bile rise up in  my throat from the horrendous despair that wants to over take me. I want to wretch because I know that I have spit upon all that he has done for me. Oh Peter, I know. Peter, I know too well...